February 12

Day 245: Listening Skills

Earlier this week I completed and submitted the first draft for a project I've been working on for some time. This project is proposed to design a structure and process for coaching pastors and church-planters. And equipping other coaches to do the same.

This was assigned to me, because someone thinks I know stuff. But, to have anything to say about the subject, I read a number of books, blog posts and journal articles. And I learned some things.

My big takeaway is that what I have previously called "coaching," is not what I have done in the past. I have mislabeled myself, and what I've done over the years.

Coaching, unlike mentoring, and certainly unlike supervision, has a very different goal in mind. Therefore, a very different process. I've been mentoring other pastors, but calling myself a coach.

(Forget for a moment what we all assume athletic coaching to be. I'm not talking about that.) Coaching is not intended to dispense information or give direction. It's not even necessarily intended to drop wisdom. If that can be avoided. It's more like this:

"The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." (Proverbs 20:5.)

This talks not about the same man, but two different men. One has questions. The other wants to help the first man discover his answers for himself. But how is that done?

Two prongs to this, actually. (Neither of which I am particularly good at.) One, ask questions, even follow up questions. And Two, sit back, be quiet, and listen.

In so doing, the coach's hope is that by asking questions and then listening, the person being coached will come to his own right and best conclusions and action steps. Instead of "pouring in," the coach wants to "draw out."

Newsflash! I am not a good listener. (Ask my wife.) I even found a quote that describes me to the full. Oddly enough, by former US Senator S.I. Hayakawa (who was odd enough himself), but his quote has merit.

"Few people...have had much training in listening. Living in a competitive culture, most of us are most of the time chiefly concerned with getting our own view across, and we tend to find other people's speeches a tedious interruption of our own ideas."

Another quote, attributed to someone named "Unknown" says, "Hearing is a faculty; listening is an art." My ears work, but my head and my heart are many times not involved. Hearing just happens; listening takes effort, a skill that must be developed.

I am today convinced of two things. No one reading this wants to relate to what I've written. I'm clearly the only one who thinks and does what the Senator suggested above. Perhaps.

And, I will not grow in my capacity to coach others, until I grow my listening skills as job one. My growth as a listener will require other faculties to get involved. Eye contact. Body language. Purpose and intention.

Henry David Thoreau once said, "The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."

Sounds like wanting to draw out, instead of pour in. Sounds like coaching. Sounds like a man of understanding.

A man of understanding with some high level listening skills.