June 22

June 22: I Want to Want

Deb and I attended a pastors and wives conference in Colorado this past week. I've been a part of this network for ages now. Several of my pastoral colleagues reminded me of such.

One friend, upon seeing me in the hotel lobby said, "You're still alive!" I responded with something snarky, with a smile, of course. I'm coming to terms with the reality that I am almost always the oldest guy in any room I enter.

The network has matured over the past 15+ years. I can tell, because this was the first time I can remember when no one asked me how big our church is. Our corporate definition of "success" has changed, for the better.

It may also be that we are maturing away from the desire for accolades from each other. We're moving away from what Jesus said to the Pharisees in John 5:39, 44.

"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have eternal life...How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?"

All pastors, me included, know how to say the right things, hoping what we say will in time become what we really believe. We all say we're not seeking to build our own platforms; we're seeking to build God's. We all say it not our own renown we're after; it's God's.

Because our church people believe we believe that. As they should. And we want to believe it too. Humility is a good thing, a godly thing, but only when it's true.

But Pastor Matt Hodges suggests questions that raise questions, at least in me. These are hard questions I have to continue to ask myself:

If God would still get the glory, but the notoriety was taken from me specifically, would I be satisfied?

If there would be just as much of an "impact" made for the Kingdom, but I don't get noticed, would I be okay?

If I give my life over to toil that's rarely recognized, but I have deep fellowship with Jesus, would that be enough for me?

If God accomplished everything in Juneau I have asked Him for, but He chose another church in Juneau to accomplish it, would I celebrate that?

We "vocational pastors" can easily trade true fellowship with God for a facade of religious activity and accomplishment. But it may very well be that the Lord, in His immeasurable wisdom and love for us, has called us to love Him, and serve Him and His Church.

And then quietly fade away when the assignment is done, with no lasting legacy for others to recount to future generations.

If His notoriety is made known in Juneau, in Alaska, and it requires I be unknown, I want to be okay with that. Better than okay with it, I want to celebrate that.

In honest humility. Because I want to want fellowship with Him, more than I want to accomplish more things for Him.